Dear Digital Diary,

I often fantasize about falling off the face of the (digital) earth.

Obviously, due to this post and a plethora of stories and posts on my instagram and my TikTok (if you can find it), I’m clearly not off of social media.

But I’ve thought of it.

And God, that thought feels orgasmic. 

Sorry, too graphic?

But think about it: you go on a trip. You don’t post about it. Nobody likes your picture of the latte and burrito that were somehow the best you’ve ever had. You met this guy, you kissed, but you don’t follow him on Instagram. He’s a nice memory now. You enjoyed yourself on the trip. But you’re not scrolling through photos later trying to find the most aesthetic ones. You save them to look at when you’re at work, because it was your paradise. You come back from the trip. 

And nobody but your real life friends know you went. 

Gorgeous thought, right?

And what about that outfit you wore to the bar? The one you could’ve posted on TikTok, but didn’t. Now there’s nobody in the comments calling you overweight. No creepy users following you. No saves. You went out in the fit, and went back home. You shed that outfit, ditched the shower, and went straight to bed with a potential looming hangover. But nobody knows. 

There was a time where people wrote postcards. A few words about their travels, their lover, their afflictions. Now it’s a Facebook status, a photo dump, and a hashtag that says #thriving. It’s so easy to consume other people’s lives.

I think I’m beginning to forget I have my own. 

I recently took a trip and I’ll likely post about it later, once the photos are developed from my camera. But I didn’t post about it in real time. I wanted to test how it felt to experience the present, instead of posting it like some kind of performance. And I’m not saying this is what everyone does, but sometimes I feel as though I do. Like I post to prove something. That I went somewhere. That I have friends. That I’m interesting.

It’s some sort of addiction, to live vicariously through others and to be so open about everything, and it’s an addiction we all collectively seem to share. 

I don’t use Snapchat anymore, and I think that was my first step in healing. Next is TikTok. Maybe Instagram will follow, if I’m brave enough.  

I’ll always be a writer. I’ll probably always overshare. But there will be a time where my life won’t be shared like a picture book anymore. If you want to keep up with me, you may have to do a little reading.