Dear Digital Diary

Dear Digital Diary,

if sexuality was really a choice, I wouldn’t keep choosing men after the guys I’ve dated.

It was a rule in my childhood home that I could start dating once I turned sixteen. While I didn’t go on real “dates” until college (thank you, COVID lockdown), I had my fair share of situationships as well as the supply of horror stories from my friends to tide me over before I dated men I actually liked.

And while I’m now dating a stellar specimen of this particular genre, the ones I dated before were rather…well, I’ll let you decide. I’ve pulled together a comprehensive guide of the types of men you might come across while trying to find your person. 

1. Mister Boy-Man

To preface, if you’re over 18, hopefully you’re not dating a boy under 18. 

Anyway, Mr. Boy-Man is the guy you liked when you were younger. You thought you loved him. You’d sneak glances in the hallway, and he’d add you on Snapchat, and when he saved your snap in the chat, you believed that was basically a proposal. 

Eventually, he’d do something stupid, or you’d get jealous, and your heart would be broken. The first love, and the first death of love. You’d listen to Halsey like the bad b***h you were, but your eyes would still wander to search for him. It’s all very juvenile in hindsight, but you were young. And he was young, too. 

Mr. Boy-Man never knows what’s going on, and he’s grappling with raging hormones that, unfortunately, rule over his critical thinking skills until around 23. 

2. Mister Long-Lost Lover

Mr. Long-Lost Lover is the guy that you periodically have a crush on. 

Maybe you knew him when you were young, and he shows up out of nowhere, periodically, as if reminding you he exists. He’s simply a comfortable idea, but an idea that you think about often. He’s a fantasy, no more real than a fictional character in a book you reread. 

It’ll never be anything, but you often think about what could’ve been. Especially when it’s midnight and he appears on Tinder after you haven’t seen him in years. Suddenly, he’s a man now. 

And as quickly as he reappears, he’s gone again, fading into the background of your life and into the foreground of his own. 

3. Mister Bad Idea

Mr. Bad Idea is the guy you told your friends you wouldn’t see again…except you totally did. 

Second chances, right? Except it’s more like the fourth or fifth chance with the same exact outcome. He’s low commitment, usually a guy who’s like working on himself, or isn’t into labels. This is the guy who’s wasting your time, but you hold onto hope that maybe if you give him one more chance, he’ll call you his girlfriend. 

If your friends groan and shake your shoulders every time you mention him, take it as a sign that he may fall into the category of Mr. Bad Idea.

4. Mister In Your Face

Mr. In Your Face is the love bomber. He’s the guy who’s obsessive right off the bat and will do anything to please you. And it’s nice, at first. 

He takes you out to dinner on your one-month anniversary. He buys you jewelry. He writes you long love notes. He starts talking about marriage at month three. He has you meet his family at month four. And like, it’s great. 

Except the guy is like gum on a shoe. Annoying, inconvenient, and lowkey stresses you out because it’s a fat wad of bubblegum rubber stuck to the sole of a red bottom heel. 

It’s almost like he switched up overnight. He starts saying things like I’ll die without you or you’re the reason I wake up. You don’t know if he’s doing this because he wants to sleep with you or because he’s genuinely lacking brain cells, but it’s pissing you off. Personal space? Never heard of her. 

As it turns out, if his existence irritates you, you’re probably not dating the right guy. And if it’s a Mr. In Your Face, you’ll look back and realize that you only dated for a short while, but he made it seem like you’d dated for years.

5. Mister Mirror

Mr. Mirror is you. But it’s not you. He’s you if you were looking in a mirror, but he looked totally different. But when you’re playing two truths and a lie, they kind of match up. 

See, this guy is the one who makes you wonder if you’re secretly related. The trauma is the same, you think the same, and you share traits like stubbornness, fitness, or the favoring of cats. He’s your twin flame. 

But twin flames create huge a** fires. You and Mr. Mirror are too similar, and you start to butt heads. Eventually, you burned out, and it was chaos. 

6. Mister Lore

Mr. Lore is someone who looks normal, is average height, studies law, has a cat, takes the train to work, and loves Marvel films. But he was also a drug addict. Fentanyl. For like, years.

And he brought it up randomly in conversation like he simply asked you to pass a napkin. Your mouth is gaping open, and he’s chewing on a bite of burrito while his head is tilted like he’s wondering why you’re looking at him like that. 

But as it turns out, that’s the most interesting thing about him. His lore drop becomes his personality, and it was the only thing that made the date somewhat worth it. You bought a nice outfit, arrived early, and all you got was an awkward side hug and a cool story for later. 

7. Mister After Ten

Mr. After Ten is just as he sounds. He only exists in the time frame between when you’re going to bed and when you’re asleep. When the sun comes up, he’s gone.

This guy is the rando you added on Snapchat from a dating app. There was nothing promising about him besides the factthat he’s hot and sends mirror pics. His resume wasn’t even super impressive — he’s limited to phrases such as u up? and your so hot (specifically without the correct spelling of you’re). He likes to talk about dates but never makes real plans, and he has no real interest in you besides where you live (if it’s within driving distance for a quickie) and what you do for a living (he actually doesn’t care, but he already asked if u up). 

His hours are 10 pm-2 am, and he clocks in every night, right on time. Hey, at least he’s consistent. 

8. Mister America

Mr. America is that guy you met on Tinder who happened to be on a military base in your area. 

He also probably voted red.

He’s actually the guy whom you decided was the chosen one to talk to when bored, but you decided very early on that you’d never date him. Or he’s just the one you sleep with. Or he’s the one you sleep with, then decide to date, and then marry, because for some reason the military and marriage coexist like peanut butter and jelly. 

But for most, Mr. America is not the type that you’d seriously date. He was just fun to argue with when you felt like arguing about politics, basic empathy, and morals. And sometimes the news comes on and the stock market is plummeting and groceries are expensive as f**k and you think about him and mentally flip him off.

9. Mister Buddy Ol’ Pal

Mr. Buddy Ol’ Pal is a BookTok trope. He’s your “guy friend” that you have “absolutely no feelings for” until it’s late at night in autumn and you feel like you need to talk to him about something. 

Since you’re friends, it’s convenient. He’s seen your worst and your best and remains your friend. You’ve already got the inside jokes and hangouts and trauma bonding that only develop through years of dating. So one day you smell his cologne and your body sort of convulses and your heart rate starts racing and you think you’re dying. But it’s not death. It’s a crush.

But there’s a 50/50 chance it will be the death of the friendship. Because either you date and you get married, or you date and break up. If it’s the latter, you’ve ensured that there will always be that moment in time where you held hands and woke up next to him in his boy bedroom under his boy sheets. And sometimes you look at him and remember that and laugh about the fact that you know how your friend’s lips taste.

Or you break up and you never speak to him again and lose a lover and a friend. 

Risky as hell.

10. Mister Right

And then there’s Mr. Right.

He appears like a fairy godmother ready to bippity boppity boo your life. He’s a shooting star in a night sky when you were only staring at the stars to search for constellations. He’s a penny on the street in March when the ground is coated in slush. 

You didn’t expect him to be Mr. Right because you’d been so focused on all the Mr. Wrongs that you started to give up on love. And once you gave it up cold-turkey and your body adjusted, it didn’t bother you so much anymore. You didn’t have that itch, that craving, to star in your own version of a Hallmark Christmas movie. You were just fine doing your thing and doing it solo with a little fun here and there. But mostly, it was all about you.

But then you and Mr. Right met. And you talked for hours about nothing and everything. Your breathing slowed, and you followed him into the darkness of a forest, trusting him to be your guide. He is comfortable. He isn’t wild. Mr. Right isn’t about wild passion. Mr. Right is just…right. Not too hot, not too cold. Just right.

And it might take a few tries (or more than a few) to find him. But Mr. Right is out there. 

That is, of course, if you’re looking for a Mr. Right. Maybe you aren’t, and that’s fine. While this post is about men, it doesn’t mean that you need one. It doesn’t have to be that serious. 

This is your life, after all. And everything you do is for the plot of your story. Don’t feel bad about writing a fun or dramatic episode. Just try to make sure that the episode’s love interest won’t murder you on a first date.

– Mia